Get off the table. S4E17 — Spiderhunt

All the ingredients and a step by step recipe for Nick Miller’s secret sauce.

(Mental) Preparation

Nick seems happy. He is doing one of his best works again, “the sauce”. Almost four minutes into the episode, all we know is that it works, it has a lot of mayo in it and it boils away all day. ALL DAY! (Schmidt voice)

Ingredient 1 — Being in the kitchen

I can’t help myself wondering what makes Nick such a formidable guy amongst his roommates without thinking of the kitchen area. I sense a hidden but strong sexual orientation towards the kitchen counter, as we have previously discussed in Fancyman and all the other episodes in which fixing things, tools or the clogged kitchen drain were involved. Groceries and tools transformed by cooking or manual labour — done by the right hands; which belong to Nick. I’m not sure if I make this scenery up or you simply can’t feel it in the air. There’s a wilderness to Nick Miller probably only women can sense, or guys with the right mojo; or almost absurf fascination for him.

Ingredient 2 —Being on display

Make sure people see you working. All the sexual tension embodied and already discussed with Ingredient 1 is simply wasted if not perfectly set in scene. Remember, we’re not doing this for ourselves, but for the entertainment and experience of others. So get behind a counter, put on your best flanell and get to work. And I can’t read this out aloud without adding a major “hampa hampa momma is in troupa”. Open the windows, get some fresh air, and let the people out there enjoy the show.

Ingredient 3 —Stir, as long as the world won’t keep stiring

Clockwise, anti-clockwise, follow the drill.

Ingredient 4 — Slices of sausages

Ingredient 5 — Self-confidence

In the middle of the process, don’t let unskilled friends taste the thing. “It’s about texture, not about the taste” Cece isn’t qualified, and as you will probably mention: “Definitely affects my confidence.”

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Receive the compliments

“This tastes like the inside of a bear, and that is a compliment my friend.”

Writer. Editor. Thinker. Fighting with the alligator within.