After being separated for eleven months, our relationship was beyond repair.

A heartfelt reflection on my (long distance) relationship that ended after eleven months of uncertainties, worries and tears.

What am I doing here?

I’m currently writing articles on every single New Girl episode, centered on Nick Miller. I am an easy man, always loved that character and believe(d) to be similar to him. And I feel that, right now, I’m finally ageing into my personality. A couple of months ago, I was watching S01E12 called Valentine’s Day, and the headline was supposed to look like this.

I’m not a bike messenger. 1x13 — Valentine’s Day

Putting a random Miller quote first followed by an article in which I have always found a way to write about the theme of an episode or just whatever came up to my mind. This is how I planned to start:

I once believed Valentine’s Day always happened to be on a Tuesday.

This only makes any sense in German, but in case you’re not speaking the language —it’s just very stupid. But then I felt the need to express my feelings about the relationship that just ended — and a bitter taste overwhelmed my heart .. So I decided to pour my heart out, but I wasn’t brave enough to publish it back then.

So i was just watching S02E25 and Nick and Jess decided not to call it .. and it took me back to one of the most painful moments of my life .. and I think that I’m now ready to share the draft from back then with the world. So let’s start with what I wrote back then ..

The beginning of the end

The last Valentine’s Day I spent on my phone face-timing my (now former) girlfriend. It wasn’t the first time we celebrated a special day on the phone. We spent both of our birthdays and our 2-year anniversary like that. On Valentine’s day, the pandemic separated us for already ten months. As usual, I bought her flowers and held them into the camera and wished her a happy Valentine’s Day. She really liked the colours I picked and it felt as if we were a bit closer to each other again. It really hurts writing and reflecting about it, especially as I am thinking about when we said good bye for the probably last time.

Back in April 2020, we knew that she was going to get sent back to her home country due to the pandemic, and that we wouldn’t see each other for some time. I can’t tell you how much we were in love, and how hard it was for us to say good by on that 22nd of April at 8 in the morning. I will never forget helping her with her suitcases, packed with the essential stuff, seeing her going into the taxi and driving away. Today it’s middle of April 2021, and I haven’t seen her since. And it is very likely that I will never see her again, because we are not a couple any longer.

It’s really though to write about it, and revisiting the last days of being together. The distance and the non-existence of touch, sense, feeling each other completely exhausted us. Sure, there was so much that happened and didn’t happen over eleven months, but there always is the memory of living together in peace, harmony, and love.

From one day to another all of that was taken from us, and I can’t tell you how often we both cried ourselves to sleep. How many times we called ourselves because we didn’t really know how to deal with the extremes of the pandemic without the one person we trust and love. How many times I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking that she was lying next to me in bed only to discover that I was alone. It’s one of the most devastating things I have experienced my whole life. There were times I hugged a pillow to imitate lying next to her, then two, then three. I put a pillow behind my back and spooned two in front, just to feel embraced and hugged.

A lot of people struggle in this pandemic, and I know I’m not the only one. Unfortunately it doesn’t help me a bit, because for eleven months there was nothing more I wanted than having my girlfriend in my arms. Without worrying about incident numbers, flight restrictions or laws that didn’t allow us to see each other. It sucked. It sucks right now to write about it. Again, I can’t put into words what I feel. I’m sad, exhausted and totally discouraged. It will take time to process the last eleven months. I do hope that it was for a reason. I mean, there’s nothing else I can count on, right? ..

How it felt to relive all of that

Just reading through this article myself touched me deeply and I wish I could go back in time to hug the guy who wrote these lines. I know that he needed it back then, as he was in a very dark place. He has recovered a bit, but the feelings and sadness are creeping in right now. I just had to start a random basketball podcast episode in the background not to fall into a deep painful state of silence .. I’m still living in the same flat, and I need to move on from here .. I know ..

Processing my feelings

You know, I wrote a song about her. I’m playing the guitar for a few years now, and thanks to the one and only Justin Sandercoe and his YouTube channel Justin Guitar I have taught myself to be a decent guitar player. And a few weeks ago something came over me and enabled me to write lyrics, to find the right chord progression and finished what probably is the most intimate piece of my heart that I have ever forget for the outside world. The song is called I wonder .. and I would like to take another step out of my comfort zone and share the lyrics here .. and whenever I am ready to do so, I will share the recording of it in the future ..

I wonder

I wonder would I still wait for you to come ..
I wonder would I still be the one with hope ..
I wonder would I still cry myself to sleep ..

I wonder .. would I still believe we’d see us again .. right where we’ve been .. at 8.10 ..

I wonder if you ever think of me at night ..
I wonder if you’ve ever found the peace inside ..
I wonder if you’re fine right where you’re at but still

I wonder if you ever plan to see me once again .. right where we’ve been .. even just as friends .. cause for me .. I have the same old wish .. to see you once again ..

so I wonder .. is this really how it ends and still
I wonder .. if someone else should be my girl ..
I wonder .. if I can let you go for that to happen ..

before I hug you once again my friend .. just to find the end .. to everything we had ..

I wonder ..

This is how it feels to be heartbroken ..